Sometimes, I just don’t have the patience to be the bigger person. Nope. Can’t do it. I know it sounds immature, and I know it’s very unbecoming, but let’s be honest: sometimes people take advantage of other people’s generosity with no regard for how that person feels. 

What is it about me that people think they can just disregard my feelings, just use me and throw me away when they feel like it, and then come back to me only when they need me? I’m not a slave. Yet there are some that seem to think I owe them long-term servitude, even when the relationship has ceased to be mutually beneficial. Why should I continue if I’m not seeing any return on my investment of time and energy?

I don’t want a pat on the back for my contributions. All I ask for in return is the same opportunity that are bestowed upon everyone else who has participated in the grand scheme of things. But somehow people seem to think they can decide for me what I should or should not be doing.

I just don’t think this is fair, so I am pushing back, and this is causing conflict. Why? Because people are finally noticing how much I bring to the table, now that they see other people trying to pick up the lion’s share of the work. I’m sorry, but if you don’t value my contributions and expertise on a given subject matter, then I don’t feel I need to share it with you anymore. You can figure it out yourself. And if you think that I didn’t add anything of value, then I’ll wash my hands of the issue and you can take over and do things how you see fit. 

It’s not that easy now, is it, now that you see how much I am really worth? Good luck, because you’re going to need it. 

B wrote a really fantastic post about the state of being a designer, and once in a while, I completely feel the way he feels about how things go. As designers we are often under appreciated. It’s mentally draining to cater to people’s personal tastes while trying to balance professional design expression. More often than not, clients ask designers to copy something they saw, and that’s not designing. It’s challenging to have to explain to them why they shouldn’t be so fixated on something just because it’s cool or popular. Clients are guided by their emotions rather than design principles. And at this point, I just feel like I’m stuck at a place where I have to put aside my own feelings about what I do to satisfy the client’s wants (not needs), especially if I want a paycheck. It’s tough.

I’ve always loved that John Lennon quote. It’s so true.

Chris thinks I’m crazy. But she’s the Barbie doll I never had as a child.

I really hate it when I see women playing the helpless role when they are not. What gets me irked is when someone constantly feigns helplessness in order to sidestep the responsibility of doing things themselves, especially if it’s their own business that needs tending to. It’s selfish and inconsiderate. It’s deceitful and self-limiting.

If you’re a grown woman, you should know how to handle your own business without the constant companion of a male friend or co-worker to help. The damsel in distress bit is tired and played out. Own up to your life and be your own person instead of constantly having to rely on someone to take care of your stuff.

It just annoys me when people use others as a crutch and don’t learn to be self-sufficient. I understand there are times when people genuinely need someone to be there, but to continually trust others to do what you need to do is like watching someone else run your life. Eventually, the people you count on to make your decisions realize that they’re just being used and screw you, or they’ll just stop being your friend. And when that happens, you’ll have no one to blame but yourself.

For the past year, I’ve been living another life. A virtual one. I don’t even remember how I heard about Second Life. Only that I was curious enough to sign up to see what the hype was all about. And like most people, I’ve got hooked in because it’s a fascinating world that represents a different reality than what I know. It’s not better. It’s not worse. It’s just different. It’s like playing with a digital Barbie that you can dress up, along side thousands of other digital Barbies from around the world. But the one thing I love about it isn’t the escape it provides from the daily grind, (though I must say, once in a while I zone out when I’m in design mode or at a music event). It’s like a dreamland that only exists when I log in, one that I share only with all my virtual friends. And unlike Facebook games where people are just playing against a program, in SL, you’re not really “playing” anything. You’re just being a different version of yourself, with different versions of other people, and doing things that you would also do in real life, only, with other people in a virtual environment. Weird huh? Allow me to explain.

In the past year, I’ve:

…read my own poetry at poetry workshops…

…designed graphics for clients…

…met and hung out with virtual friends from around the world…

…attended live music events…

…participated in community activities…

…hosted parties…

…opened up a business…

…organized fund-raisers for charity…

…created photography exhibitions…

…created machinima…

It’s amazing, really. Most of these activities take place when I’m not working in real life, or when I have some down time in the evening. I mention this because my virtual friends threw me a virtual surprise party because it was my virtual birthday, (or “rezday” as they call it in-world).

Imagine if we all knew about SL when we met. Rather than chat rooms, we’d all be sitting around in at the virtual coffeehouse, sipping digital java while we idle our workday away! How crazy would that be?

Is there a difference between bitter and jaded?

This question came up as I was thinking about a recent situation I was a part of. This summer I had a business opportunity that I thought would turn out really well. It was supposed to be a great collaboration between all these creative folks, and we were all supposed to make a lot of money. (Or at least, gain a lot of exposure). By the time it was all said and done, processes that were put in place, were changed, guidelines were thrown by the wayside. Needless to say, a lot of time and effort was wasted setting up things that turned out to be useless. Things that would’ve helped us as a business where disregarded, and there is now no way to track what happened. And while for the most part, everyone faired well, the group itself didn’t.

I’ve come to realize that a group of people doing things together, does not equal to an organization. When the dust settled, a lot of holes appeared, and everyone pointed fingers. People who fought vehemently to do things one way, were quick to lay the blame on others when asked why it didn’t work. No one was accountable for anything. There was always an excuse. There is so much banter about should’ve/could’ve/would’ve that frankly, I’m exhausted just opening the emails.

Which brings me to my question. Am I bitter? Am I jaded?

I think bitterness is when someone holds onto the past and cannot move forward because of something that happened. Sort of like my Uncle’s ex-wife. They’ve been divorced for over 20 years because he gambled away all their savings, and to this day she won’t speak to him, (or any of us for that matter, since we’re all guilty by association). I recall when my Great Aunt died, we were all at the funeral. In Chinese custom, we had to bow to the casket and walk in line to greet the grieving family. My Uncle’s ex-wife just glared at us as we paid our respects. She didn’t say a word, and I haven’t seen her since.

To me, jaded is when someone realizes that things weren’t what it seemed, and that person has the ability to move past it. I suppose my resolve to move on and continue to do my own thing, would put me into the jaded territory. I’m not paralyzed or consumed by such negative thoughts that I can’t make progress. I think this current event was more or less a wake up call, a hidden blessing in disguise. Someone poked through the mirage and pushed me towards the real horizon, and I am apt to move ahead. I am tired, but I am invigorated and motivated to do more. For me.

It’s been a while, hasn’t it? Life takes us in various directions, and we move on and on and on. Since I still have my premium account, I should go ahead and put it to use again. I have separate blogs for running, poetry and my business, so I suppose this is the one that will stay personal.

I feel like things have been changing. It’s not so much the weather that causes the nostalgia or the sense of progression, though that would help. The weather at this time of year is just refreshingly breezy. But in some ways I feel like life is changing. Everyone is moving on. I’m moving on. In terms of relationships, in terms of interests, everything feels different.

Most recently, I’m beginning to rethink my associations with different groups, and I feel that for the past three years, I’ve been rather myopic in my vision, especially when it came to my little design business. I’ve been growing increasingly stagnant, and it’s partially due to the fact that I haven’t found the right associations that will help me with my goals. The once tried and true groups that I used to rely on aren’t quite so reliable anymore. And in this economy, I have to prioritize. I’m not saying it wasn’t good to me three years ago. But three years ago, I was just starting out. And as eager as I was to get my studio off the ground, I was eager to help everyone else who were seemingly in the same boat.

Nowadays, it’s about politics. Everyone else is benefiting from the new opportunities put in place, and I’m still stuck. I used to be part of the group that were considered first for opportunities. And now that I don’t have that luxury of directing, I fall out of favor. (And it was a hard fall.) At least that’s how it feels in light of how I’ve been treated recently. I guess sometimes paying into something more doesn’t necessarily mean more benefits or opportunities that are supposedly yours for the taking. What’s especially eye-opening is when others are willing to cast you aside and not even think to consider to ask whether or not you’d like to participate in something. I’m not one for being cast aside. I don’t like it when others make decisions for me, especially something important that affects my business. At the heart of all this remains the fact that I am on a tightrope without a safety net. No one else sees how much hair I am losing or how much worry is in my brain.

Now I just need to be more selfish and make sure that the investment I put in guarantees me and my business some type of return whether it’s financial or opportunistic. I can’t just spend countless hours helping out everyone else for the sake of status, and I guess this was my wake up call. After doing that for the past three years, it’s evident that the amount of time I’ve spent could’ve wisely been spent improving my own processes. Of course, I have no one to blame but myself and my naiveté. I thought I finally belonged to something greater and lost focus on what really mattered, which is building MY business.

It’s time to get moving again.